How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
