I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Randomize
