He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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