I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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