If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
