you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
