I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
