I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
