Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
