This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
