Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
