Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
