apparently the secret to your success is patron
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
