I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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