All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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