How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
