Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
