Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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