Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
