You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
