I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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