Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You're like the curious george of whores
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
being pregnant is like rehab
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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