yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
tell me about the eggs
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
