My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
