I am puke
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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