i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
