seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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