time to smoke my breakfast
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
