I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
