Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!