It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
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She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
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If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.