He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.