there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
