So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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