My liver just broke up with me...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
