____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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