My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i will never coherently bang her
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
