I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize