nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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