Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
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She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
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Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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