Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
