I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
