Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I enjoy the company of your penis
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
