I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
