I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's official drugs can't kill me
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
