I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This baby is an asshole
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
