you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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