I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
