She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
