Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
