She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
