Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
