there's paper in my vomit.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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