what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
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Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
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I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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