I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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