Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
