I think I won the penis lottery.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.