I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.