how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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