this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
