You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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